Advices (cont.)

9. Personal Life

The individual Friend should lead a life rooted in an awareness of God's presence in all times and places. Although special times and locations may provide helpful reminders of the need for spiritual communion, they cannot take the place of turning daily to God for guidance. The foundation for all our personal life and social relations should be the consciousness of the Holy Spirit.

Sincerity, simplicity and moderation are vital to all the dealings of life. We advise the observance of care in speech and the use of only such statements as convey truth without exaggeration or omission of essential fact. Taking legal oaths implies a double standard of truthfulness and is contrary to the teaching of Jesus.

Self-indulgent habits and luxurious living dull our awareness and make us insensitive to the needs of others and the leading of the Spirit. Ostentation and extravagant expenditure should not be a part of Friends' lives. Friends should be particularly aware of this in planning marriages, funerals, social gatherings or public occasions. True simplicity does not consist of particular forms or the absence of grace, symmetry and beauty, but of avoiding over-indulgence, maintaining humility of spirit, and keeping material surroundings in proportion to human needs.

Friends' longstanding testimony against the use, production, or sale of tobacco and alcoholic beverages is not fully accepted by some. For many, however, complete abstinence is the only effective way to avoid the dangers of the use of these materials. Friends are in unity against illegal narcotics and mind-altering substances, now readily available. Use of any of these materials has adverse effects which reach beyond the individual to harm the family and the community; dealing with illegal drugs also supports a criminal underground. Even legitimate prescription drugs can be used inappropriately and excessively. All these usages deaden the individual to life and spiritual values.

For those trapped in substance abuse, such advice may seem hollow. Commonalities exist between addictive behaviors with these substances and other compulsive actions, such as in the areas of eating disorders, gambling, overwork, and physical abuse. The causes go deep and may not be fully understood, but the resulting pain, fear, desperation and denial, damaging the abuser and all those around that person, need to be supportively recognized. A Meeting community should be ready to listen non-judgmentally, offer information about sources of help, refuse to enable people to continue in harmful patterns, and continue to offer an environment free from addictive practices.

We are faced at every hand with enticements to risk money in anticipation of disproportionate gain through gambling. Some governments employ gambling as a means of raising revenue, even presenting it as a civic virtue. The Religious Society of Friends continues to bear testimony against betting, gambling, lotteries, speculations or any other endeavor to receive material gain without equivalent exchange, believing that we owe an honest return for what we receive. Indulgence in games of chance blunts a proper sense of obligation.

How we use our working hours, our leisure and our resources has direct bearing on our spiritual life. Time for recreation is needed to refresh spirit, mind and body. Our use of time may determine whether the Divine Spirit grows within us or is crowded out.

We are called upon to be stewards of the rich provisions which God has made for all creation. As Friends we are advised to consider the effects of our charitable gifts and of all our expenditures, in the light of our concern for the right and fair sharing of the world's resources.

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10. Home Life

1. Living With Self and Others
2. Marriage
3. Sexuality
4. Raising Children

Friends have a loving concern for the varieties of supportive relationships that exist. We realize that the range of long-term mutual commitments is now wider than traditionally accepted. Our Meeting communities now include persons living alone, two-parent families, single-parent families, married and unmarried couples, homosexual and heterosexual couples, single adults or extended families sharing a household, and larger communal groups. At present Friends are divided on the wisdom or rightness of some of these relationships. Nevertheless, we recognize that there are many kinds of domestic living situations in which individuals have made long-term commitments to each other and in which a caring, sharing, supportive relationship can grow. We are all called to make our primary relationships responsible, loving, mutually enabling, and spiritually enriching.

The efforts of making a home should be shared with tender regard for the needs and abilities of all members and appreciation for their unique contributions. As we strive to create the peaceable kingdom at home we need to be particularly careful about anger and its expression. Stressful situations should be addressed openly and lovingly. Anger is an index of our discontent that needs to be heeded and carefully channeled. We should find the difficult middle way between uncontrolled anger, which erupts in violence and oppression, and suppressed anger, which may result in silencing individuals to avoid confrontations, ultimately amounting to a greater violence to all involved. Meetings can help by being open and supportive to victims of anger and abuse as they seek healing even though it may lead through emotional chaos.

Meetings should be aware of situational stresses some families must deal with. Such stresses may arise in any household, but especially where children have only one parent, all the adults work outside the home, families contain members of different faiths, or the household includes ill or infirm elderly members. These families, as well as others in our midst whose members have special needs because of physical or mental illness, developmental disability or handicap, may require extra loving support and sensitivity to their needs.

Finally, we need to be mindful of those who, for any reason, live alone. While such individuals often live rich, full lives and contribute much to others, they need to be particularly included in all aspects of the Meeting, for frequently the Meeting is their family. Times and places should be provided for them to find and know each other. Single young adults need reassurance as they make life choices, which may run counter to parental or societal pressures. We also need to be aware of circumstances such as illness or unusual stress, in which those living alone may require assistance or companionship.

Our Meetings and communities are composed of persons who live in many kinds of home situations. All of us as individuals, as well as our Meetings collectively, need to create an atmosphere that is accepting, supportive and caring toward all the persons in our midst, whatever their domestic groupings, enabling all of us to grow and share with each other.

b. Marriage⁴

Marriage, undertaken with divine assistance and solemnized in God's presence, is a creative and joyful relationship. When two people make their vows to each other in the presence of God and their friends, they take each other as life-long partners, promising with divine assistance to be faithful to each other. Implicit in their covenant for life is a commitment to resolve, with God's help, the problems and disagreements that arise in living together.

Marriage presents unique opportunities for growth. Many of these challenges come wrapped in love. The need for equality and sharing within a marriage places on both partners the responsibility to preserve and build family life. Some redefinition of roles and sacrifice of traditional privileges may be necessary. Close to each other we become aware of our strengths and weaknesses, responsibly carrying them together.

We thank God, then for the pleasures, joys and triumphs of marriage; for the cups of tea we bring each other, and the seedlings in the garden frame; for the domestic drama of meetings and partings, sickness and recovery; for the grace of occasional extravagance, flowers on birthdays and unexpected presents; for talk at evenings of the events of the day; for the ecstasy of caresses; for gay mockery of each other's follies; for plans and projects, fun and struggle; praying that we may neither neglect nor undervalue these things, nor be tempted to think of them as self-contained and self-sufficient.

(Disipline of London Yearly Meeting, 1959)

When difficulties arise, members should feel free to come to their Meeting for help and counsel. Meetings, in turn, should assist in finding solutions, guiding the couple to professional counselors if advisable. The Yearly Meeting Counseling Service may be of assistance. If, despite the best efforts of all concerned, members find that their commitments cannot be sustained, they should work for an amicable parting, avoiding if possible adversarial proceedings. Meetings should be supportive of persons in such a process, and accepting and affirmative afterwards. Especially heedful of the needs of children, they should help all members of a family to recreate loving homes.

⁴Procedures for Friends' marriages are given in Appendix F of Faith and Practice

c. Sexuality

The human reproductive process is one of life's great miracles. Sexuality, much broader than the act of reproduction itself, is a channel for perception, communication and enjoyment. Friends are aware both of the joy of human sexuality in its proper context and the need for its restraint outside this context, together with its limitations and problems when treated casually rather than as a precious gift of God to be used responsibly. We recognize too that celibacy is a special gift, a calling and an act of free will to be practiced joyfully by those who have received that gift.

Education in matters of sexuality is an area in which the home should be the dominant influence. Children should be given factual information to suit their growing understanding on sexuality, family planning, and their responsibilities in this area.

d. Raising Children

Friends should take responsibility for family planning, which may sometimes include adoption or provision of foster care. When the number of children exceeds the financial, physical and even spiritual capacity of the parents, a hardship is worked on all involved. Thoughtful decisions either to have or not to have children should be accepted and supported by the Meeting.

As children acquire much by imitation and absorption, family members should watch carefully their own words and actions, curb indulgence, practice forbearance, choose worthy companionship, recreation and television viewing, and subscribe to worthwhile publications. Children tend to become what is expected of them; they are susceptible to the influences of their surroundings, and early impressions are most lasting. Therefore, love and mutual respect in the home are vital. Adults should be conscious of the harmful effect on children of rigid or unrealistic expectations. We should seek to discover and nourish that of God in each child and to foster the child's own talents and leadings.

Self-discipline is the foundation on which character is built. Loving counsel and direction rather than compulsion should be the basis of development. Love, consideration, service and the acceptance of responsibility form a basis for ordered and satisfying family relationships. Children should share in the tasks of the home and in the exchange of ideas. As parents we can foster confidence and candor between ourselves and our children. Casual, wide-ranging, honest conversation within the family, a natural means of introducing children to perplexing issues and new concepts, is a potent way of communicating ideals.

Children should be taught early to speak and listen to God in their own way. Understanding and acceptance of meeting for worship can come to children early in life through attendance and parental participation. Full appreciation may come later, but uplifting reading, religious discussion and quiet waiting upon the Spirit can be practiced early.

Prayer is a precious and important part of daily life. The recognition that answers may come in unexpected ways not always understood is essential to our religious experience. Reading of the Bible and other religious literature provides opportunities for the spiritual growth of all family members, and for binding the family together. The family itself is a precious spiritual community.

The resources of the Meeting can be important for families undergoing crises. Friends should be particularly mindful of the needs of children who are experiencing pain or loss. A Meeting can provide care and understanding, acting as an extended family. Not only are we brothers and sisters in the spirit, but we may be beloved aunts and uncles of all the children in the Meeting. The resilience of the Meeting as a nurturing community encompassing many generations supports each of us throughout the many stages of our lives.

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11. Fellowship and Community

1. Within the Local Meeting
2. Within the Society of Friends
3. With Other Religious Bodies and Persons
4. With All Humanity

The life of a religious society consists in something more than the body of principles it professes and the outer garments of organization which it wears. These things have their own importance: they embody the society to the world, and protect it from the chance and change of circumstances; but the springs of life lie deeper, and often escape recognition. They are to be found in the vital union of the members of the society with God and with one another, a union which allows the free flowing through the society of a spiritual life which is its strength.

(William Charles Braithwaite, Memoirs, 1905)

a. Within the Local Meeting

It is not easy to find community and fellowship in the modern world. Many Friends view relationships within the local Meeting as similar to partial relationships established with people met regularly at work, at play, and in the neighborhood. It is perhaps too much to expect that we all will make the Meeting central to our lives. But unless the Meeting fellowship can be made to speak to something deep in our lives, our Society falls short of fulfilling the true spiritual needs of its members.

Typically Friends come together in meetings for worship from diverse neighborhoods, seeing one another rarely except on First Day or on special occasions. Many Meetings find it helpful to encourage groups to meet in one another's homes for worship, recreation, study or fellowship. Committees provide opportunities for other kinds of relationships within the Meeting. But all too often these contacts fail to satisfy our yearning for community. Sometimes a glimpse of the meaning of community comes as Friends work together in projects of social service, peace education, religious education or pastoral care for fellow members. Each Meeting should have as an active concern before one or more of its standing committees the nurture of the Meeting community in whatever ways may open.

b. Within the Society of Friends

Friends who restrict their experience of the Society to their local Meeting are missing rich experiences of fellowship in the wider community. Quarterly, Half-yearly and Yearly Meetings as well as larger gatherings provide opportunities for Friends of all ages to broaden their experience of the Society and the circle of their spiritually-based friendships. Attendance at such larger Meetings should be seriously considered by each of us as a benefit of membership, an opportunity for spiritual nourishment and a means of widening our community.

Another rich resource within the Society which provides opportunities for fellowship and community is the variety of service committees and action organizations established to further our testimonies. Involvement in these endeavors can help to knit us one to another in common effort. The Society also sponsors study, conference and retreat opportunities at various centers. Meetings should assist the attendance of members and provide opportunity to share the fruits of such experiences in the local Meeting.

Finally, the Friendly tradition of intervisitation, whether under the weight of specific concern or in the interest of wider Quaker fellowship, should be fostered among our local Meetings. (See Appendix C of BYM's Faith and Practice.)

c. With Other Religious Bodies and Persons

Our belief in that of God in every person requires that we cooperate with other religious bodies. We are aware that we have much to learn from the religious experiences of other groups, Christian and non-Christian. We believe also that we have a rich and unique experience from which we can contribute. The Friends World Committee for Consultation brings us into contact with Quaker groups worldwide, often different from our own in culture, theology or practice. Through Friends United Meeting and Friends General Conference our Yearly Meeting is affiliated with national and international ecumenical movements. In addition, many of our local or area Meetings cooperate in community councils or associations of religious groups. In all these affiliations we make clear that our faith is one of experience rather than one of creed or doctrine. In sharing that experience with persons from other backgrounds through common worship and shared service we enrich our sense of community.

d. With All Humanity

There is an evangelical and saving light and grace in everyone, and the love and mercy of God toward mankind were universal, both in the death of his beloved Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the manifestation of the light in the heart.

(Robert Barclay, Apology, Proposition 6)

Our belief in the universality of the Inner Light requires us to "walk cheerfully over the world, answering that of God in everyone" as George Fox urged. No human being is excluded from our sense of community, for we are led by our faith to view human beings as children of God rather than as stereotypes of cultures, nations, or ideologies. It is individual people with whom fellowship must be established, and each Friend must seek in the quiet of worship the personal strength to work at the establishment of community.

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